Lily Allen: An Interview

The girl who would be Gandhi mouths off about beating up the Sugababes, balling Becks, torturing spiders and unicorn sex.

JW: Before the release of your first single, you boldly announced, “I am the new Dylan.” Have you lived up to your own vast expectations?

I’ve changed my mind now. I think I’m more like the new Gandhi. But I’ve still got a long way to go before I can call myself the new Joe Strummer. Joe was the most amazing man who ever walked the Earth. His generosity of spirit knew no bounds. I always had a hunch he was King Alfred in a previous life. Y’know, sitting around making cakes for people, inspiring them with words.

How much of your music has been recorded when you’ve been off your nut on drugs?

I haven’t made any music on drugs. Cocaine? You’d just stand around talking bollocks all night. Ecstasy? You’d think your music was the best ever and it’d sound like shit. Heroin? I’ve never done that drug. I have the feeling that, if I tried heroin just once, I’d decide, “This is what I’m meant to do with my life – be a heroin addict.”

Have you excelled at everything you’ve tried?

As everyone now knows, I was a drug dealer in Ibiza at 15.1 did not excel at drug-dealing — I was terrible at it. Golden rule with drug-dealing: don’t get too enthusiastic about your own merchandise. But I haven’t done drugs for a while now. Too busy. I’d like to say work and sex have replaced drugs. But there’s not been enough time off work for sex. This must change.

Some of the men you’ve claimed to fancy include Graham Coxon, Peter Crouch and Chas & Dave. It could be said that your taste in men is very, very strange.

I’ve never gone for classically handsome men. Someone like David Beckham would be my idea of hell. I would sleep with him for a million quid. But I’d do just about anything for a million quid. I prefer chubby blokes with glasses and bald heads. For me, vanity about the way you look, that’s right up there with global warming and capitalism in terms of the evils of the modern world.

Didn’t you just announce that your latest ambition is to become a lesbian?

No, I never said that. Hang about, maybe I did. If I was going to do it with a woman, I’d choose Paris Hilton. Why? Because she’s dirty as fuck.

Which band would you like to beat seven shades out of?

The Sugababes. Everything about them makes me cringe. I’m not sure I’d like to take them on in a fight, though. There’s three of them. If there was three of me, I’d beat them easily.

Have you ever killed anyone?

Erm (long pause), no. I don’t think I could deal with that on my conscience. If say, I get mad at a boyfriend, I’d sooner write a song about the situation than put a bullet in him. I’m quite confident I’ll get through this life without committing a murder. Having said that, I’d be tempted to kill someone if they caused serious harm to any members of my family.

How would you describe that mind of yours?

Put it this way: l’m not insane. But I am quite mad. Yesterday, I burned a spider in the sink with a cigarette. I didn’t mean it any harm. I just wanted to see what it would do. I’ll do things like that, then feel guilty for days. Guilt’s a big emotion for me.

What’s the last thing you saw that shocked you?

I’m not sure I was shocked by it, but I saw a very strange German porn film recently. I stumbled across it on pay-per-view. There was this woman being fucked by a unicorn and all these forest people running around with hair on their faces.

Perhaps making your own porn movie would be a logical next step for you?

I was saying to my band just the other day that we should set up an orgy scene with me in the middle of it all, snorting loads of drugs. We could film it and sell the photos to the tabloids.

What’s on your tour rider?

A bottle of Jack Daniel’s. Four bottles of champagne. Twelve packets of Monster Munch (Pickled Onion flavour). I’m thinking of adding a dog to the rider. Every town I play, I get a new puppy. Just for the night.

Which Little Britain character do you most resemble?

A lot of people would expect me to say Vicky Pollard because they think I’m thick and rude. But I’m neither. If I’m like anyone from that show, I’m like Andy, the bloke in the wheelchair. “That one! I want that one!” I do shout at people quite a lot. I can be a bit of a diva. That doesn’t mean I’m about to turn into Mariah Carey and refuse to walk upstairs. Having said that, I have started to complain about walking up stairs. But that’s only because I’m a lazy cunt.

Would it bother you if your next album flopped and you disappeared into oblivion?

I wouldn’t give a toss. I can’t imagine anything worse than doing music for the rest of my life. I’d rather marry Chas & Dave, settle in the country, have loads of kids and watch telly all day. Or I’d become a policewoman. I’d make a great copper. I’m not short of options. I’ll be fine.

© Jon WildeUncut, January 2007

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